Weird

adjective

ARCHAIC: connected with fate.

Noun ARCHAIC•SCOTTISH : a person's destiny.

Origin: Old English wyrd ‘destiny’, of Germanic origin. The adjective (late Middle English) originally meant ‘having the power to control destiny’.

I never could have predicted that I’d be sitting here, on a perfect May night, in the Maryland backyard of my baby brother, sipping bourbon and throwing a very slimy frisbee for Doc, who has zero appreciation for my mixed up playlist of 1st gen rap, Pavarotti and Red Dirt country. Two of my kids are nestled all snug in their beds across the globe in Vietnam, after a day of scooters in Saigon and bicycles on Unicorn Island. The other two are happy in their assigned duties in the northwest, falling out of perfectly good helicopters and teaching my grandchild how to fetch like a puppy and handle newborn chicks appropriately. None of this was imaginable back when I was making All the Plans. Back when I thought I had some sort of control over my “destiny.” But the reality is that I couldn’t have planned it better than this. My imagination wasn’t this big.

I told a friend earlier today that I feel like I am stuck in an ellipses loop in my life story. I just keep circling around and around in curiosity of what comes next. For the first time I have too many options - not obligated anywhere or to anyone - and it’s strange. It’s a roulette wheel of choices. I can go in any direction. I can do anything with my time. And here I am, in Maryland… Kentucky… Texas… Florida… looking for the right fit. Tasting bourbons in Kentucky, eating Indian Food in DC and Poutine in Canada and trying etouffee and crawfish for the first time in Louisiana. This last few months I wait for the What’s Next I’ve caught beads at Mardi Gras in the deep south, bet on the winning horse in Louisville at the Kentucky Derby, tromped in the late spring snow on Canadian summits, felt the Kansas wind on my face, and picked up sunburns from Texas to Florida to Wilbur, Washington. I’ve met millionaires who are missing out and paupers who have it all. You wouldn’t believe some of the people I’ve met lately… I sure don’t. I haven’t left the continent and I feel like I’ve experienced a lifetime in one springtime.

I struggle, more than I care to admit, with dark days when I don’t know my why anymore. When I question everything - even the point of my own existence. When friends tell me that sometimes it’s just about accepting reality for exactly what it is in this moment and nothing beyond. And other friends remind me that my best memories are only moments behind me and seconds in front of me.

I have no idea where I’ll be headed next but I promise it will be interesting. This is my weird. The destiny that I have created, if by no other means than my unwillingness to say no when an opportunity presents itself. I will see all of my offspring next week and we’ll swap stories and compare our peeling sunburns and multicultural indigestion. We’ll talk about blisters and babies and all the Big Plans we have that we’ll forget about next week when something more interesting opens a door for us that we never expected. We control our fate by saying yes whenever possible. We shape our destinies with the curiosity that compels us to see what’s around that corner just ahead.