I can’t stand being disapproved of. In fact, the fear of disapproval has made me a coward. I feel like most of my childhood was immersed in disapproval, which is status quo for the religious world. “God” was so busy disapproving of what I said or wore or did that he had no time to remind me of my worth, regardless of my shortcomings . We’re still working that one out.

I’ve been fairly successful in avoiding conflict since I moved out of a conflict-riddled “Christian Community” nearly 16 years ago. I have steered clear of politics, religion, and CrossFit to avoid any discussions that get past a level 1.5 intensity, which is to say, an episode of The Brady Bunch.

But life is conflict. It’s struggle and strife and finding yourself on the opposite side of an issue from other people. Sometimes you’re across a sea of discord from people you love and respect very much. That’s hard. I hate it. HATE it. Because when we don’t agree, it seems oversimplified to say that we have different perspectives, but we literally are not able (or in some cases willing, but I think it’s usually able) to see the logic or righteousness of their position. For me, disagreement has always meant disapproval. If we disagree, then you disapprove of my viewpoint, or vise-verse. It’s so much discomfort I would rather eat a bowl of lima beans or be forced to watch a marathon of Janette Oke made for TV movies.

I am learning to hold the anxiety of disapproval and discord at arms length. To look at it and make it’s acquaintance. To see what is there for me. Almost always, I am expanded. Almost every time I can embrace conflict, I grow as a person.

I feel like my life right now is nothing but disagreement and discord. In fact, the only person that I think is fully supportive of me is that one drunk lady I met at the bar last weekend who told me tearfully that I could do anything if I put my mind to it. (Fist bump to you, drunk lady.) I feel unsupported, but I also feel sure of my own thoughts, and that’s a new feeling for me, and one that to be honest, wasn’t allowed for most of my younger life. I am relatively intelligent (especially in the context of the geographic area where I live), I have some education and some experience and I have formulated ideas and opinions, that contradict people on all sides of my life, but they’re mine. I have to own the discomfort in the confidence of my own mind and heart. That’s a tough thing for me, but I am learning.

I am figuring out how to be comfortable under the microscope of disapproval. I have to learn that disagreement does not have to negate love or respect. I know many people whom I love but also disagree with. I respect many human beings but don’t see eye to eye with their position on things. This is the beautiful tension of life, and the secret to unconditional love. I don’t have to like it all, I don’t have to enjoy it all, I just have to accept. I suck at it, but I am getting better, I hope.

Being a better human doesn’t mean being more agreeable. It means being tolerant in spite of differences and defending liberty for every person, regardless of my approval ratings for them, or the other way around. It means mutual respect and compassion,