It’s so fucking short and unpredictable.

I know many of you cringe when I cuss. But this life requires cussing some days. This life is cringeworthy some days. Cussing makes the bullshit of life somehow more bearable. National Geographic says so, therefore it must be true.

It’s so fucking short and unpredictable.

Why do the best ones leave us while truly terrible humans remain on this planet, inflicting pain and damage on others? Why do the good die young and The Worst live forever? How can we look around and see this and not stop our petty nonsense?

And even worse than that - how do I live so arrogantly - like I deserve something better than this amazing life I have been given, while the spark of life is stolen from people so much better than me?

Life is so fucking short and unpredictable. I have been fighting through alternating waves of anger and grief and guilt and gratitude these last few weeks, and the roller coaster isn’t showing any signs of stopping. The Big, Bad Upheavals in my personal life are just the backdrop to a prevailing sense of doom this summer, as fires and flood and tragedy just won’t stop, the stupid virus keeps haunting us both physically and politically, and it seems like everyone I know is hell bent on hating everyone else I know. And pretty soon, we’ll all be dead anyway and nobody is gonna give two shits about all the things we’re all so upset and outraged about these days.

I know I sound cynical. And I am. But I don’t feel like I can afford not to be. We don’t have time to waste on pettiness. On dramatic, knee jerk reactions to each other. I have been the worst offender, and I am sorry. I am sorry to the ones who have left us, who in their final moments would have probably loved just a few more days to be with their people, moral outrage be damned. I am sorry for wasting my time and wasting my love.

I owe you all an apology. I am sorry for posturing. For pretending that my opinion had enough value to throw it in your face. I am sorry for thinking I actually understood anything that’s going on in this crazy, fucked up world. I am sorry for getting caught up in the idea that knowing things was better than just being. Being a friend and a mother and a daughter and a cousin and a niece and a sister. I am sorry that my idiotic human need to validate my own idiotic human thoughts has been enough in the past to hurt people that I loved. It’s not worth it. Life is too fucking short and unpredictable. I am sorry for giving fear more space than love in my heart. I am sorry for what it has done to my kids and my friends and my family.

I am determined to do better. To be better. To be love in this fucking short and unpredictable life.